Find your bearings

On February 15, 2019 my precious Daddy left this world to enter eternity and I felt my heart would never recover. Honestly, some days my heart still breaks.

Grief has no boundaries and for me, grief is not clearly defined. Tears can pour one day, and the next day there are none. A memory can bring on a smile or sadness. Seeing the sunrise can bring a feeling of closeness and at the same time, a longing for something that seems so far away. My heart aches to hear Daddy's voice, to sit and talk with him, for a hug ... I miss him so much it just hurts. The first Father's Day, birthday, Christmas ... all the firsts are hard. I know I put on a smile, but if I could curl up in a ball somewhere most days I would.

2019 was also a year of blessings. I welcomed two precious grandbabies, Jacksyn Kyle Darden on May 24, 2019 and Lennox Rose Egner on November 14, 2019. My nephew welcomed a daughter on December 30, 2019, Raelynn Denise Bozeman. And my nephew will welcome a baby boy in June of this year, Clifford Woodrow Bozeman, IV. All are miracles from God and I know Daddy loved on them before we did and is loving on baby boy right now, his namesake. Oh how he loves his grandchildren and great-grandchildren! Papa's girls and Papa's boys ... I can hear him now. He could sit and watch them for hours.

I think about what he is missing here. But then I know he would be saying, Oh, if you could see what I'm seeing now! His body was so tired, he was in so much pain. He knew Jesus ... He knew he was spending eternity in Heaven. Things of this earth are temporal - but things of heaven are eternal. Daddy lived for eternity and He wants all of us to join him there. But that sure doesn't make me miss him any less.

Daddy never missed an "I love you Sugar Babe" ... you never hung up the phone or left his house without him telling you he loved you. Always got a kiss and a hug ... He was never was one to hold back on the love. He taught us all that. He loved our mother in front of us. He respected her and that's how my brothers treat their wives. And every one of his grandchildren respect their Memaw and honor her. Daddy lived Jesus in front of all of his family and his friends. He didn't hold grudges; he lived Jesus in front of the world!

After the year of going through the grief, God knew I was tired. On December 23rd my body, mind and soul were exhausted and so He did what He had to do, He sent me to bed for almost 3 weeks! Lots of rest - lots of sleep. During that time, He not only healed my body, but He began healing my heart and soul. He healed raw and tender emotions. He loved me as I laid there and cried and I knew I was never alone.

I never felt unworthy because I wasn't getting up and going to work or cleaning the house ... He just let me heal. Isn't that what a parent does? They check on you to make sure you're okay, but they know rest is what you need. When I would think I was feeling better and having a stubborn streak, my husband would set the timer when I insisted on "taking down the Christmas tree!" He'd give me 15 minutes, then I'd have to rest before doing any more. For all who know me, the Christmas decorations are down before the new year! That did not happen in 2019 and it did not matter. God gave me rest, healed my body and has began a healing of my soul.

On January 1, 2020 I officially retired and began working 2 days a week. Having 5 days off and working 2 after it being the opposite for 47 years is wonderful! I have never felt LESS STRESS in my life. My goal is not to fill up the five days with stress. God has been nudging me for years in areas of my life and it's time I step into His calling. I want to visit the grandbabies, spend more time with my mama and husband, do some decluttering and finish writing my book.

God is good. I know this, and am saying it to myself but maybe someone else needs to hear it. God loves us right where we are. It doesn't matter our circumstances. He can use us in the middle of our grief, on the mountaintop, in the valley, or as we're climbing. He can change me at the very moment I write this if I want to be changed. Sometimes He changes my circumstances; then other times, He changes me through the circumstances and gives me grace to make it bearable enough to endure.

Never underestimate the power of God. God CAN and WILL get you through each moment of each day!

2020 can be the year I CHOOSE it to be or it can be the year I ALLOW it to be. My precious sister-in-love gave me a book of encouraging quotes and one of the quotes says, Clearly true or real purpose is the starting point of all achievement. Find your purpose and let that be your starting point.

Choosing to heal does not mean I will not forever miss my precious Daddy, but it means I will continue to live my life with purpose until it is my time to meet him and Jesus in eternity.

"You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13